One more week has past

Just finished the second module, what is scarier is the coming study week. Even though there's no class for the following week, it seems that there won't be enough time for me to study for the exam which is counted 100% for this module the week after, which means that's the only chance. After just finished my first 5000 words assignment, I thought I could have a little leisure time to relax this weekend since there's no class next week. I did have a little spare time watching a movie last night. Yet things turn out that I'll have to continue studying. 8 hours sleep seems impossibe to me now, I was lucky that I've had an average of 4 sleep each day for last week. My skin turns old much faster, one good thing is that... I'm losing my weight because of the pressure... It's good I guess. I can now eat a lot and still lose weight. Sounds not too bad.

Complex feelings after attending grandma's funeral

Last chance to see grandma's face. It didn't look like grandma anymore. Grandma had become so thin this summer I came back, I couldn't even recognize her while I just suddenly see her face. Yesterday, before her body was sent to be incinerated, we got the last chance to see her again. I always don't want myself to cry so easily but tears never listen to me. Grandma was a humorous person, she liked to make joke even when she's dying, she did. When the first time the doctor saved her life back succefully, she looked at me and asked me why I was crying for. I didn't want to mention the word "death", I just told her that I was not crying. I whispered some words besides her ear while she just died, some words that no one knows except my grandma, some words which were my secrets and I wanted to share with her, some words that I wanted my grandma to remember while she's in her world.
Few hours after, I saw the after burnt grandma's bones. It's hard to believe that there's only a tiny amount of bones left. Grandma's bones were white. Everyone in my family picked one up and put it in one bottle. One person who's not from my family said that grandma's bones looked beautiful and didn't look like she's been illed.
Everyone, after been struggling for their lives. Some might be rich, some might be poor. Some might be happy, some might be sad. Some might be meaningful always chasing their dreams, some might just idle away their time doing nothing. But everyone ends up as a pile of bones. I've been thinking a lot after the funeral. Still searching for what I want. The death of grandma is a sorrow to me but it also made me to review the philosophy of life.

Going Home

After the last 3 hours of class, I'm leaving to the airport to go back home.
Sounds happy but the reason for me to go back is to join my grandma's funeral.
I've dreamed of grandma a lot lately. It's still hard to believe that the person who's been with me for 23 years doesn't exist anymore.
Leaving a person is sad and heart breaking, but it's sadder while the "leaving" is because of death. That means you'll absolutely never see this person again except in your dreams.
I'm ready to go home, ready to face everything.

The purpose to study hard

Recently, I've been trying to keep something out of my mind by studying hard.
Being study hard, it takes away the time for me to get into a dead end by worrying about something I probably don't have to. It's a positive way to keep my mind too busy to imagine something though. The sadder I am, the more I miss my grandmom. No matter what has made me upset, the only way I can comfort myself is thinking of my grandmom. It's another reason though. Guessing and self-called 6th sense wouldn't make things better. Sometimes I just need the courage to be more decisive which I'm really lack of. I hope I can study 24/7 without any sleep because the period of time before really falling asleep is the hardest time for me to pass through, what I don't want to think all come into my brain at the same time again. I guess I'll just need to study harder... harder... harder... to make my brain full of knowledge instead of emotions... yeah... back to study...

Yes or no

I've been confused by myself for a long time lately. What I used to believe before, I don't really believe it now. I'm quite annoyed by my own thought. It's doesn't seem good... Hope I can get the previous Jackie Mooney back soon.

Morning

This is the first morning of the day I go back to school again after having been working for 5 months and playing for 2 months.
I'm not sure if I'd be interested in studying again, but it's the mission and reason why I'm back here here again.
When I just stated working, I thought I'd rather study. But now when I'm back to study again, I prefer working... I guess it's always the way people think, otherwise there'd be less people complaining about their life.
I don't want to be a complainant, I'd better just treasure what I own now, do my best of what I'm doing now.

This morning, everything seemed familiar and not that familiar. I think I'll just get used to it soon.

Coming Back

2 months of the summer break seems has past much faster than I though. It seems good cuz' that means the following months would go just as fast as the summer. I hope so, I wish so.
I slept almost during the whole journey to prevent myself from thinking something sad. Feel so alone again. No more mom's yelling, no more Bagel's biting, no more Tina and Gwen's laughing, no more... grandma's calling. Even though I know I'll go back Taiwan for one week after 2 weeks, I just started missing everything right after the flight departed.
I wish this year would go fast, all I'm looking forward to is next summer. Yeah... next summer, I hope everything would go smoothly. Everything would just follow the plan. That's what I can expect now. Too many thoughts don't really help, which helps is what I believe now. Here, I'm back.