Complex feelings after attending grandma's funeral

Last chance to see grandma's face. It didn't look like grandma anymore. Grandma had become so thin this summer I came back, I couldn't even recognize her while I just suddenly see her face. Yesterday, before her body was sent to be incinerated, we got the last chance to see her again. I always don't want myself to cry so easily but tears never listen to me. Grandma was a humorous person, she liked to make joke even when she's dying, she did. When the first time the doctor saved her life back succefully, she looked at me and asked me why I was crying for. I didn't want to mention the word "death", I just told her that I was not crying. I whispered some words besides her ear while she just died, some words that no one knows except my grandma, some words which were my secrets and I wanted to share with her, some words that I wanted my grandma to remember while she's in her world.
Few hours after, I saw the after burnt grandma's bones. It's hard to believe that there's only a tiny amount of bones left. Grandma's bones were white. Everyone in my family picked one up and put it in one bottle. One person who's not from my family said that grandma's bones looked beautiful and didn't look like she's been illed.
Everyone, after been struggling for their lives. Some might be rich, some might be poor. Some might be happy, some might be sad. Some might be meaningful always chasing their dreams, some might just idle away their time doing nothing. But everyone ends up as a pile of bones. I've been thinking a lot after the funeral. Still searching for what I want. The death of grandma is a sorrow to me but it also made me to review the philosophy of life.